2. Librarians never, ever use the public restroom if they can help it.
3. A library can never have too many cookbooks, GED, or resume books.
4. All of the library's books on satanism, witchcraft, and spell-casting will go missing. Library fines are a small consideration compared with eternal damnation, after all.
5. There is at least one blind spot in the layout of every library building. This is where patrons will go to vandalize materials and teens will sneak-read books on sex. It is also were bolder patrons will go to have sex.
6. If a novel has a detailed map or a family tree on the endpapers, it is way too involved to bother reading. The same goes for novels that contain a glossary of vocabulary words particular to that book.
7. Most patrons will fight you to the death over a thirty-cent fine.
8. There is never enough shelving.
9. The 1st Law of Weeding : "When in doubt, chuck it out".
10. Never weed a book you personally like, no matter how out-of-date, worn, or uncirculated it might be.
11. When in doubt, form a committee. Give the committee an acronym for a name. Have meetings. Frequent meetings. With donuts.
12. Teachers will routinely send 100 or more students to the library to research a subject on which there is little or no information.
13. Make all the signs you want; no one will ever notice them.
14. If you should happen to remark that you haven't seen a particular patron in the library recently, that patron will soon appear. This is especially true of patrons you don't want to see.
15. Big pencils are for librarians. Little pencils are for patrons.
16. Always refer to patrons by descriptive nicknames - (Typhoid Janet, the Matador, Hat Guy, Creepy Floyd, Mr. Parole).
17. Never use a new envelope to mail an Interlibrary Loan. Always use the rattiest one available and seal it with miles of tape. Some ILL envelopes are made entirely of tape.
18. The number of times an organization is permitted to use the library's meeting room is directly proportional to the quality of snacks and beverages they leave behind for the staff.
19. The closer it is to closing time, the larger the overdue fine.
20. Ninety-nine percent of professional literature has no basis in reality and no practical applications. Luckily, ninety-nine percent of librarians have no time to read it.
21. The time, money, and effort the library spends on any program is inversely proportionate to the attendance.
22. You never realized so many strange people could live in one town.
23. Shop at Gouger Library Supplies for all your Library Science Needs.
